Ever since I laid eyes on the National Geographic channel at a very young age, it sparked an interest in me and I became even more curious of the natural world around me. Some years later down the road of life, education finally introduced me to the formal name of my interest. I had at last known that my interest lies within the field of science.
Being a student that had been enamored by science, it is only natural that I continued to study this all the way to university. After completing high school, I took up the chance offered by the National University of Singapore (NUS) to further my studies and the next thing I knew, I am here on a visa. I guess am intoxicated by the thought of the abundance of opportunities in doing laboratory work and attached to projects being supervised by dedicated professors.
While I am extremely interested in anything and everything that had to do with biological sciences, I found that I am more inclined towards the field of research involving microorganisms and the human immunity system. I guess it is the dream of every scientist in this field to find the cure for all diseases, and I am no different.
An undergraduate in Life Sciences, I am currently in Year 3 and am pursuing a specialization in the Biomedical field. My name is Ng Wai Chii and this, is me and science.
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Dear Wai Chii,
ReplyDeleteyour biodata is quite concise and direct. It clearly exemplifies your strong interest in science and your life does revolve around science.
In the second last paragraph, it pays that you state clearly which field of science you are interested in. This will aid in allowing the recruiter or employer to place you in the relevant department in a big company or research institute. Concurrently, the job will cater to your interest more. However at the same time, you demonstrates maturity in your biodata by knowing that as a researcher that science is a multi-disciplinary field. There is a need to be enthusiastic in the biological sciences too.
I also feel that your spacings and paragraphs are well-done. Thus, the whole biodata looks very neat and presentable. Most importantly, it facilitates easy reading from so many other applicants' biodata.
Nevertheless, you can still further improve your biodata by being slightly different from the rest of the applicant and stand out from them. You should try to alter this sentence: "I guess it is the dream of every scientist in this field to find the cure for all diseases, and I am no different."
Also, you mentioned that about "dedicated professors". I wish to ask you here whether in this biodata that you are hinting that you only like to work with "dedicated professors". What about those professors who prefer to let you work independently and spend less time with you? Personally, I feel that writing "professors with various expertise" may be better as it shows that you are willing to explore and gain all types of knowledge. It also exemplifies that you are open-minded. Or are you trying to praise the professors in the institute you are applying for are very dedicated? It is a little ambiguous from what I interpret when I read.
I also manage to spot a minor grammatical mistake in this phrase "I guess am intoxicated by". It should be "I guess I am intoxicated by". I do understand it is tough to notice small mistakes such as this. This is because I edited a few times even after posting my mistake and checking my biodata before posting. Nonetheless, since I happened to see it while reading your biodata, I will just let you know.
During your mock job interview last friday in class, you end off your interview with a quote. See Hon and I think that it is beautifully done. Perhaps, you can also end off with another quote in your biodata above.
Best regards,
Clover
*** I do have high expectations of you finding cure and prophylactics and not just managements of sickness in the field of the human immunity system. Many debilitating illnesses such as SLE, Systemic Lupus Erythematosus, and other autoimmune diseases are very tragic. Up till now, the conventional treatments of immunosuppressants and steriods are still not very satisfactory for many patients. Hopefully, at the same time, you can deduce the mechanism of actions of those pathogens rather than just chance upon the cure. This will set a base and allows more in depth research into the disease. At the same time, it will shed better light on the dose and type of drug needed to administer to the patients' with the minimal adverse effects. Unfortunately, most of the time, it is not the pathogens that kill them. Rather, it is the adverse effects of the therapeutic they are treated with that worn them out.
Hi Wai Chii. I feel you statement is coherent, by stating your interest in Science, from your high school to the university level. The tone of the statement is fine for me, but I feel it could be more formal. The language is correctly used, without any major errors.
ReplyDeleteThe opening was interesting, which encourages me to read on further to know more about your interest.
I feel that it is not very clear from the beginning of the statement that you wish to pursue a career in Life Sciences, only towards the end. You might wish to state that clearly in the first paragraph.
However, I feel that you could enhance the credibility and concreteness of your statement by stating more specific examples of what you have done inside or outside of school, with regards to your interest in Life Sciences. For instance, you might have handled any interesting research projects during your curriculum.
Dear Meng Wee,
ReplyDeleteI am very sorry to say that I beg to differ with you that nwchii is not clear that in expressing his desire to work in the field of Life Science. From what nwchii has written "biological sciences, I found that I am more inclined towards the field of research involving microorganisms and the human immunity system. I guess it is the dream of every scientist in this field to find the cure for all diseases". All these are under the field of life science. Life Science is a very broad term. It is actually helpful that nwchii narrows down to which part of Life Science he is interested in. Perhaps, this is because you are an engineer by training and have not exposed enough to Life Science related knowledge.
However, since nwchii's biodata will be most probably read by people in the field of Life Science, it should be quite appropriate and clear to them. By telling them that very clearly that you want to pursue a career in Life Science in the beginning, they may feel that you are too generalised instead.
Nevertheless, I do agree with you that nwchii's post is very interesting and spurs people on to read more.
Regards,
Clover
Hi Wai Chii,
ReplyDeleteOverall, i think you have managed to express your interest in science clearly.
Your way of writing is also creative and it helps to differentiate you with others.
However, you may want to state that you are a life-science student in the 2nd paragraph so that people could understand your field of interest. Because people who dont know you may think that you are interested in Physics or Engineering.
Your post have shown me your long-lasting interest in life-science. Though it is short but it is concise and it makes people want to go on reading.
ReplyDeleteThis personal statement is like a work of art, powerful and succinct without leaving a bitter aftertaste due to it being too long-winded (which I am guilty of, unfortunately).
ReplyDeleteYou made a few mistakes though in grammar, and it's a shame because it mars the beauty of your art as I was reading it. For example, the last line in your first paragraph should be either all in past tense or all in present tense.
I do disagree with Meng Wee that your letter is too informal; I believe that the organisation that you are applying to, A Star, is more interested in creative and dynamic "attitude" personalities than stuffy employees. At least, this is what I seem to garner from my own personal experience, as well as my brother's when he applied for a scholarship at A Star and he had to go through a lot of "games" during his interview sessions.
Yes, your personal statement lacks concreteness in examples, especially in terms of what opportunities you have taken up in research so far in NUS. But I've got to admit, your magic seems to make me unmindful of this apparent flaw and float about in your "dreamyland" instead.
Hi everyone,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments! I'm glad that you find my writing style engaging. Perhaps I should do a part-time as a novelist?
First off:
To Clover,
I must say that was a very in depth analysis. About the "dedicated professors", I agree I could had find a better phrase. The "various expertise" just happened to escaped my mind throughout the time I am writing my biodata.
Wow, I didn't know you had that high expectations on me. It was truly nice to know that I had more good "pressure" to "pressure" me forward.
To Meng Wee and SeeHon:
I had written this biodata while referencing what I assumed to be a "model biodata". Goal-drivened, customary self introduction, formal, and cold hard facts.
With that in mind, I wrote it the exactly opposite of how a "model biodata" "should" be.
When something good's being imitated by many, it drowns in its own fame.
This explains the less formal tone and that I state my major at the end of the paragraph. Most people would of course read the first paragraph and if it is interesting, then skim the body, and finally look at the last paragraph. By missing the customary facts on the first paragraph, I hoped the intended recipient would be caught off guard, pause a while and looked around.
I agree with you that my biodata needs more concreteness to support my choice in Life Sciences.
To Masamune:
I agree that I had made a few grammatical mistakes. However, I can't seem to find mistakes with the example you pointed out. Is it this:
"I had at last known that my interest lies in the field of science."
I feel that "lies" is a suitable tense in this, as my interest is still lying in the field of science, just that I had at last known it's formal name in school a long while back.
Good- you have certainly had a lot of feedback. This is much better than your application letter. However, you need to be more sensitive to tense and prepositions
ReplyDeletePara 1- it has sparked
curious about
Para2- enamoured of
line2- at university too
line 3- I was here (visa)
Iam intoxicated
being attached
Para3- is to do with
I have found
This is good as a general ps but if you were applying for phd places or research posts you would need much more evidence of your research interest and skills.
Mrs Richardson